Family
When you think about the many difficulties our country is facing, fatherhood may not come to mind.
However, there is an epidemic that has swept through fatherhood for too long. The epidemic of fathers abandoning their responsibilities and children.
This epidemic is affecting our society on so many levels. An estimated 24 million children in the U.S. live without their fathers and who knows how many millions more “present” fathers aren’t actively involved in their children’s lives.
The old saying goes; “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Well fatherhood in America is broken and it’s time to fix it.
Here are some ideas on how it can be done.
Mothers (and kids) need to demand more involvement
Fathers should have unconditional interested in being more involved in their children’s lives but mothers and kids also need to demand it.
A lot of mothers think that they should be the most involved and that men are just the ones to provide financial support. This is old fashioned thinking and it isn’t working.
Fathers shouldn’t be the “go-to” for discipline
Most dads make themselves out to be the parent their children should be fearful of. And many mothers add to this as well by saying things like; “wait till your father finds out” and making the father out to be the bad guy.
Perhaps this is also a male domination type of thing, but it doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship between fathers and children.
Remove the focus from just “bringin’ home the bacon”
Fathers are often seen as one thing only; breadwinners. They’ve accepted this role as their main purpose in the household and I feel that this mentality has made it easier for fathers to desert their children.
They see themselves as not essential to a child’s life except with regards to finances. This makes many absent fathers figure they can just send child support money. But child support is so much more than financial.
Change the way fatherhood is viewed
President Obama recently gave a talk about the importance of fathers and in the talk he said something profound; “This isn’t an obligation, this is a privilege to be a father.”
This is exactly how many fathers should begin to rethink the way they see fatherhood.
For fathers:
Realize you won’t be perfect
No one is perfect. Like the rest of your life; as a father you’ll do things right and at times you’re going to do things completely wrong. It’s natural and the only way to learn. Excel to be the best you can, not to be perfect.
Succeed where your father failed
While growing up you know what your father didn’t do right. You’ve learned and it’s your shot to do much better, it’s not an excuse for you to be a bad father as well.
Know how crucial you are
You may still be thinking that you’re most important for keeping a roof over your children’s heads and food on the table; but you’re crucial to helping your child thrive and not just survive.
Here are some astonishing statistics about how much you matter:
- 90% of homeless and runaway children come from fatherless households
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
- 85% of youths in prison grew up in a fatherless home
- 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
Statistics from: http://www.childrensjustice.org/fatherlessness2.htm
Keep the conversation alive
Fathers not stepping up to their responsibilities and deserting their children is somewhat of a silent epidemic, but no longer.
President Obama just sparked a national discussion and we need you to join in. The stakes are way too high to simply let this topic be swept under the rug again.
What do you think of these ideas? Do you think fatherhood in America needs to be fixed? Do you have more ideas that may help fix it? Please share in the comments below.
Related articles:
- 6 Lessons I Learned About Being a Man from Growing Up Fatherless
- How to thrive in a single parent household
This is a guest post.
Have you ever wondered who your ancestors were? I did. I came from a fractured family and wanted a way to connect with it. So, 20 odd years ago I began to research my ancestors. I did fall for a few scams and paid for some subscriptions. In some cases I paid a lot to learn a little and in others, I paid little to learn a lot! Hopefully my experiences and the lessons I have learned will help you in your own search.
So ask yourself a few questions:
- What do I hope to find?
- What’s it gonna cost?
- Where do I start?
- Who belongs in my family tree?
- What questions do I ask my family?
- Am I willing to do a little leg work?
- Do I have a few hours now and then that I can devote to research?
There are a few things to remember when researching;
- There will be times that you come across information that just doesn’t jive with what you know. It can be anything from a misspelled name to a full name change, different birth year or State of origin. Way back in the day, most people had little or no education and few could read or write.
- When using information you find in another person’s family tree, take it with a grain of salt. There is always a chance that it is wrong. Use this information as a clue and double check the documents with your own eyes..
- Contrary to what we are taught not all legal documents are accurate. Example: My great uncle “Edgar” (born in the 1870’s) during WWI the Army changed his name by error to “Edward”. Rather than fight the system he continued to use the name “Edward” this took me nearly 10 years to find out. That was an “Ah-Ha” moment for me. Remember the grain of salt!
- Never place living family information in public view unless you have their consent to do so and only if you are comfortable in the knowledge that it won’t come back to bite you one day.
- Create an email address that you will use only for research. Always write your email address in words when posting. Leave out the “@” and the “.com”. An example would be (myemail at my isp dot com) this way spiders and web crawlers, even spammers will be less likely to it pick up.
- No matter what, facts are not copyrightable. The ways in which they are presented are, but the fact itself is not.
- (Heads UP!) When using a site that offers a “Free Family Tree”, remember that any information you save to this tree, you are giving to them, to use, distribute or sell worldwide. Read the terms of use and other information before you create a tree. This way you know what will be done with the information you submit.
- Create a family tree that is more than a statistical, bare bone fact sheet, added pictures and stories make this ancestor come alive on paper. Tell about the skeleton in the closet and the angles in the wings. After all we are all human and none are perfect!
How do you research your ancestors?
The answer is through records. They hold the keys and clues to who our ancestors were, their occupation, income, possessions, friends, family and travels. We might like what we find and we might have an “Uh Oh” moment! Now wouldn’t that be fun!
All you really need to get started is a notebook or computer and general information for each person you research, such as; birth name, date and place of birth, parent information, date and places for marriage, divorce and death/burial. Later you can add other interesting facts. Do this for each member of you family starting with yourself, then work backwards. Soon you will have built a large family tree.
Below are some sites to help you get started. Almost all are free!
- USGenWeb: (free) Covers all States and most counties with everything from bible records to wills. Also an area for census records. Everything here is donated to keep them free to use.
- Find a Grave: (free) Users input family burial information. Volunteers do entire cemeteries. You can search for graves or with a free account add information. Their genealogy forum is very helpful!
- Family Search Labs: (free) This site is filled with information! Several search areas to search millions of historical records (viewable and free to copy/download!) Also a Free Family Tree (Heads UP!) create a free account and use their program to create an online tree.
- Google Books: (free) Search results on full view (free) books containing records for “Early Marriages”. Read through and search books using a PDF reader (Adobe which is free).
- **Ancestry.com: (free) Usually a paid service/subscription, but with a library card and access to your local library you can use it free (if they have a subscription). Ancestry also offers a free family tree; all you have to do is create a free account. (Heads UP again!) Use their (free) Surname message boards to search for others researching your family names. Ancestry Database Card Catalog This area of Ancestry.com is loaded with always-free databases and information!
- HeritageQuest: (free) Use this site for free just like Ancestry only you can log in remotely from home with your library card!. Census Search from 1790-1930; Book Search… 24,000 family and local histories; Revolutionary War Search…selected records from pensions/land warrant applications; Freedman’s Bank Search…Bank information for freed African Americans 1865-1874
- Bureau of Land Management: (free) This site provides image access to more than three million records issued between 1820 and 1908. You can print a copy of the original land patent to your ancestor and view where the land was located. You can also pay for a certified copy if you really want to.
- The Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation: (free) The Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation Search for free and to view the results you must register (free). You can view and copy the information to your computer. A copy on archival paper is available for purchase and is actually nice looking.
- FamilyTreeLegends; (free databases) Family Tree Legends Free Databases Search for Birth, Marriage, Death, & Other, Military , Land, Court, & Probate records. Can’t ask for better than that when it’s FREE!
- Civil War & Soldiers Search System (free) Civil War Soldiers and Sailors The Civil War Soldiers and Sailors System is a database containing very basic facts about servicemen who served on both sides during the Civil War.
- Random Acts Of Genealogy Kindness (RAOGK) (free or minimal fee) This site has a list of researchers that will help you get through dead ends. Check out the site for a better explanation of what is offered and how to request help or offer to help.
Remember, you are creating something your descendents will one day look at. You will be surprised, as I was, to learn that even small children are interested and will share what they find in your research. For example, and this is a true story, let me share with you what happens when that child shares information they find in your family research
My 8-year-old granddaughter was telling her friend about our ancestors one day. Being a child she went on and on. Finally, the friend told my granddaughter that she didn’t have any ancestors. This started one of those “Yes you do, No I don’t” arguments and eventually the girls went to my daughter, to see who was right. My daughter tried to explain that we all have ancestors, but before she could finish the little girl asked, “Well, where can I buy them at because I don’t have any!” To which my granddaughter answered “You get them from your grandma like my Grandma Kaye gave them to me!
Now, stop chuckling and start digging!
This is a guest article written by Kayellen Stakes
It may not seem like it, but it might just be an epidemic. Many children and young adults are growing up in single parent households after their mother or father deserted them. It’s more common than ever, and it’s not limited to a specific race, social status, or region.
It’s difficult for both the single parent and the children for various reasons. For the parent, it means less time together and more time working; and it means that many of the household responsibilities are forced upon the children.
There is a common belief that children who grew up or are growing up in a single parent homes are more likely to not graduate school, commit crimes, and engage in drug and alcohol use. However, what is being overlooked is the number of successful and productive individuals who have been raised by a single parent.
There are ways to not only survive a single parent household, but to thrive and flourish under such circumstances. Here is how you can do it.
Let go of self-pity and blame
Stop blaming yourself as the reason your parent deserted you. It’s not your fault at all. He or she left because they’re a coward. They can’t handle real life responsibilities. It’s obviously a whole different story if they died in an accident or are deployed in the army.
You’re not alone, there are millions of people who have grown up or are growing up in single family households. So please stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re more fortunate than a lot of other people out there.
Move on and forget about the parent that left you
If the parent that deserted you doesn’t want to be a part of your life, then don’t let them. Don’t waste your time trying to call them or contact them, it’ll most likely lead to you feeling worse.
You don’t have to keep a grudge, just simply move on and forget.
You’re strong and you’ll do just as great without them, maybe even better.
Do your share
When you have a single mother or father, you must assist them with chores and other things around the house. It’ll be difficult to do “adult” things when your peers are out having fun. But face the fact; you’ll grow up quick (you’ve probably already figured this out). This can actually be a really positive thing for you. You’ll develop numerous skills and responsibility for the “real” world (which you’re already living).
Now don’t be scared of the fact of growing up quick. It certainly doesn’t mean you’ll never have fun again.
Appreciate your single parent
He or she is there for you and obviously loves you. Your mother or father won’t always be able to provide you everything you want but he or she is doing all they can to provide you what you need. Love them no matter what.
The lack of material possessions is nothing compared to her or his love and belief in you.
Find a surrogate father or mother
It is very important for you to fill the void caused by the mother or father that left you. You need someone who you can ask advice (besides your single parent), someone you can hang out with, or someone you can just observe and model yourself after.
Here are a few different people that can be your surrogate:
- An aunt or uncle
- A grandfather or grandmother (not on the side of the person that left you)
- An older brother or sister
- Even a famous person or business person
You don’t even need to be able to talk to you surrogate, unless you need some advice. You just need someone who is successful to look to for inspiration.
Strive to beat the statistics
No matter what statistics say about children who grow up in single parent homes, it doesn’t have to be the reality of the majority of these kids, including you.
The statistics shouldn’t mean a thing to you except that it’s a powerful motivator. You are not destined to be what other people say you’ll be; you are destined only by what YOU say and do.
Get going on your dreams today!
Coming from a single parent home you probably know how it is living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to make ends meet. I know not one person in this world who wants to live in such a way forever, including you. The best way to get you and your family out of this circumstance is to take action as soon as possible.
I would go into detail on how to get a going on your dreams and goals, but I’ve covered it before, including this recent article.
Single parents: How to help your child or children thrive
I’m sure you work extremely hard to provide the necessities for your child or children to survive; but are you helping them thrive?
Here are a few tips to help your children or child thrive in a single parent home. Not one tip will cost you a dime to implement.
Don’ts
- Don’t fight with your ex or bad-mouth them
This does absolutely no good for your child, especially if they’re young. It sends them mixed messages.
- Don’t tell your child they can’t do something because you can’t afford it
When someone has a strong enough willpower, money becomes the smallest of obstacles.
- Don’t tell your child they can’t do anything
- Don’t put blame on your ex
Yes, he or she left you; sending you into difficult times but YOU can lead your family into more prosperous times.
- Don’t ever blame your child
- Don’t come home in a negative mood
Long hours or two jobs can really break you down, but don’t let it show when you come home to your kids. If you’re negative, your tone will quickly spread to everyone else and make your whole house miserable.
Do’s
- Do be excited and interested in your child’s dreams
This is all the encouragement a child needs to chase after a dream. They just want to know you care.
- Do let them be kids
- Do stay in contact
Spending so much time at work prevents you from staying in contact. But in this age, it no longer has to be that way. Send a text message, email, or make a phone call on your lunch breaks or whenever you can. Your kids might not be thrilled, but it’s good to stay informed on what they’re doing and it shows you care.
- Do share your mistakes in life
Tell your children why you’re working so hard to make ends meet. Perhaps you depended too much on one person that you thought would never leave. Share any mistakes you’ve made so your children can steer clear of similar situations.
- Do let them make their own mistakes
- Do follow your own dreams as well
I’m sure you’re caught up in providing for your family but you also need to pursue your dreams. It will benefit everyone.
Let’s hear from you…
Did you grow up with a single parent? Share your story, successes, mistakes and tips in the comment section below.
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You may be caught up in business and doing things that you really don’t want to and missing out on time with your family. But you must make time to spend with your family members everyday, otherwise you’re not enjoying life. Here are ten ways to make time for your family.
1. Drop your responsibilities – Sometimes the best thing to do is just drop everything both physically and mentally. Skip work one day and spend that time with your family. And really spend time with them, turn off the cell phone and computer.
2. Stay up late – There’s plenty of time for sleep later. Spend one extra night a week staying up with your family, enjoying each other’s company and conversation.
3. Don’t waste time – Instead of channel surfing or web surfing, use that time for something else with a family member. Or surf the web or TV with a family member.
4. Take a cruise – Not a cruise around the Caribbean but a cruise in your car. Take a scenic Sunday drive, there’ll be plenty to talk about and see.
5. Do it together – Have chores or something tedious to do? Then get some help from a family member.
6. Get things done early - Get what you need to do done while everyone is sleeping or doing their own thing.
7. Be portable – If you have a home workspace or a home office, move it to where everyone hangs out. If you don’t mind distractions, that is.
8. Share a hobby – Find a hobby with a family member. When you spend time on your hobby you’ll be spending time with your family. Arts and sports are great to share with someone.
9. Never be bored – If you ever find yourself bored, spend time with your family, that will cure you.
10. Write – If you have a family member who works different hours, then write to each other. Write notes, letters, and emails to each other. You won’t be spending time together but you’ll be spending time thinking about each other.
Even if you can’t make more time with these tips, make sure to enjoy the time you do have with them. Don’t take a second for granted.
