A Mother’s Perspective On Raising A Child with Mental Illness
This is a guest post relating to Mother’s Day and Mental Health Awareness Month.
Healing is a family process, as every mother knows. When a child has a broken leg, other family members pitch in to help manage crutches or carry loads. The immediate needs are obvious. But when a family member is afflicted by a severe mental illness – schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or major depression — the role of the family may not be as clear even though it is just as important.
As a mother of a son who was diagnosed with schizophrenia 19 years ago – and who has recovered to live a full life – I know what an important part family plays in healing. My son, Brandon, was first diagnosed when he was 19 years old after his freshman year in college. That moment marked the beginning of our long effort to help him recover and reclaim his life.
Hearing such a diagnosis for the first time is a terrible shock. But as a parent, you cannot allow shock to immobilize you. You have to be able to provide support and do the kinds of things that can help your child recover. My husband, Garen, and I learned that lesson very quickly, as well as many others over the course of Brandon’s treatment and recovery. Now, when other parents ask me what they can do to help their child recover from a major psychological disease, I tell them five things them must do.
1. Hope
Know that a person with severe mental illness can get better with the proper therapy and medications. This will not be an easy or speedy process. There will most likely be setbacks and disappointments along the way. But today these diagnoses are not the psychological equivalent of a death sentence. Knowing that a person with mental illness can get better provides an essential psychological boost, not only for the patient but for the rest of the family as well.
2. Educate
As with any other disease, when you first hear the diagnosis you find yourself asking, “What happened? Where did we go wrong?” That was my husband’s and my first reaction. So the first thing we did was talk to a psychologist about the physical underpinnings of this disease. And he told us that it wasn’t anybody’s fault. It was something that happened, and no one knows why. So that helped us a lot, and it’s important for every family member to understand: it’s about chemistry, not character. Learning as much as possible about a loved one’s illness helps both the patient and the family.
3. Structure
Whoever gets sick must have a structured schedule every day so they have something to help them stay in contact with the outside world. It’s not good if they become just lost souls with nothing to do. They won’t have a feeling of self-worth; they will have lost a sense of purpose. The family can help provide that structure. In our own story, we always set a place at the table for Brandon for dinner or lunch or whatever it was. He could sit as long as he wanted or get up and leave whenever he wanted, but he knew that each day there was a place for him at our family table. Having more structure to his life in this and other ways allowed Brandon’s sense of well being to blossom over time.
4. Reduce stress
The first thing that we know about these diseases is that they are physiologically based, and, secondly, that they are generally environmentally triggered. We don’t know what all the environmental triggers are, but we do know that stress is one of them – and it could be physical stress or psychological stress. Stress is also a common trigger for setbacks in the treatment of mental illness. So family members can help in the recovery process by making the home environment as stress-free as possible. For example, if you have to take a trip or keep an appointment, allow extra time to get ready so there’s no last-minute rushing. Keep interactions with all family members even and low key.
5. Never give up
The hardest thing any parents will ever go through is seeing their child suffer for a long period of time. But never give up, even in the most difficult moments. There may be times when the afflicted person may blame you or even turn against you, but you still need to continually let them know that you love them and are standing by them. No matter what you have to face, you must provide love and support. That’s over and above any other piece of advice.
Remember that all of your efforts are aimed at helping your loved one recover. And what does recovery mean? It means that the person can be a productive individual again. That they can work; they can go to school; they can have social relationship and personal relationships. We have reached that point in our family. Today, Brandon is working as marketing communications director and website writer for our Staglin Family Vineyard. As Mother’s Day approaches, I am looking forward to spending it with my son and his wife, and our daughter, Shannon, who’s seven years younger than Brandon. For me, this is what healing and recovery means.
Written by Shari Staglin, STAGLIN FAMILY VINEYARD , Rutherford, CA
Shari and her husband Garen represent a true family approach to their involvement in the wine industry and their dedication to the Staglin Family Vineyard. Actively involved for almost 25 years in the wine industry, the Staglins’ motto is “great wine for great causes” and through their operation of Staglin Family Vineyard and support of various charitable causes, they have indeed lived up to that philosophy. In the last ten years, causes they have chaired or donations from their wines have generated almost $700 million.
Shari and Garen are founders of the Music Festival for Mental Health, a 501c(3) non-profit organization. During the last fourteen years, the Music Festival has raised over $83 million for mental health charities and research. This annual event, held at their vineyard, includes an afternoon concert for 400 (past year’s performers have included Brian Wilson, Gladys Knight, the Pointer Sisters and Roberta Flack), and an evening gourmet dinner for 200 by a celebrity chef, with wines donated and poured by many of the nation’s best wineries.
Shari was a leader in health care management and recruiting for many years before becoming CEO of Staglin Family Vineyard.
Shari holds a BA from UCLA and an MPA from NYU.
Flower photo by Zanastardust
One Response to “A Mother’s Perspective On Raising A Child with Mental Illness”
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Thank you so much for sharing your family’s story! It’s so inspiring that you’ve found purpose and passion in something that seems like it would be so difficult.
Thanks again,
-Andrew