How to fix fatherhood in America
When you think about the many difficulties our country is facing, fatherhood may not come to mind.
However, there is an epidemic that has swept through fatherhood for too long. The epidemic of fathers abandoning their responsibilities and children.
This epidemic is affecting our society on so many levels. An estimated 24 million children in the U.S. live without their fathers and who knows how many millions more “present” fathers aren’t actively involved in their children’s lives.
The old saying goes; “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Well fatherhood in America is broken and it’s time to fix it.
Here are some ideas on how it can be done.
Mothers (and kids) need to demand more involvement
Fathers should have unconditional interested in being more involved in their children’s lives but mothers and kids also need to demand it.
A lot of mothers think that they should be the most involved and that men are just the ones to provide financial support. This is old fashioned thinking and it isn’t working.
Fathers shouldn’t be the “go-to” for discipline
Most dads make themselves out to be the parent their children should be fearful of. And many mothers add to this as well by saying things like; “wait till your father finds out” and making the father out to be the bad guy.
Perhaps this is also a male domination type of thing, but it doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship between fathers and children.
Remove the focus from just “bringin’ home the bacon”
Fathers are often seen as one thing only; breadwinners. They’ve accepted this role as their main purpose in the household and I feel that this mentality has made it easier for fathers to desert their children.
They see themselves as not essential to a child’s life except with regards to finances. This makes many absent fathers figure they can just send child support money. But child support is so much more than financial.
Change the way fatherhood is viewed
President Obama recently gave a talk about the importance of fathers and in the talk he said something profound; “This isn’t an obligation, this is a privilege to be a father.”
This is exactly how many fathers should begin to rethink the way they see fatherhood.
For fathers:
Realize you won’t be perfect
No one is perfect. Like the rest of your life; as a father you’ll do things right and at times you’re going to do things completely wrong. It’s natural and the only way to learn. Excel to be the best you can, not to be perfect.
Succeed where your father failed
While growing up you know what your father didn’t do right. You’ve learned and it’s your shot to do much better, it’s not an excuse for you to be a bad father as well.
Know how crucial you are
You may still be thinking that you’re most important for keeping a roof over your children’s heads and food on the table; but you’re crucial to helping your child thrive and not just survive.
Here are some astonishing statistics about how much you matter:
- 90% of homeless and runaway children come from fatherless households
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
- 85% of youths in prison grew up in a fatherless home
- 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
Statistics from: http://www.childrensjustice.org/fatherlessness2.htm
Keep the conversation alive
Fathers not stepping up to their responsibilities and deserting their children is somewhat of a silent epidemic, but no longer.
President Obama just sparked a national discussion and we need you to join in. The stakes are way too high to simply let this topic be swept under the rug again.
What do you think of these ideas? Do you think fatherhood in America needs to be fixed? Do you have more ideas that may help fix it? Please share in the comments below.
Related articles:
- 6 Lessons I Learned About Being a Man from Growing Up Fatherless
- How to thrive in a single parent household
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10 Responses to “How to fix fatherhood in America”
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I agree very much so.
The way I see it, the second you have a child, your life becomes devoted to that child. There are no more selfish actions, you now have another human being depending upon you for love and support.
I believe you said it best on The Art of Manliness earlier this week as well, having a child makes you a father not a dad. The name “dad” has to be earned and it is not a given.
Hey Andrew,
Very true! It’s not a game at all and too many men don’t understand that.
-Andrew
I think many times we get so caught up in life, that our priorities get shifted and in turn, chaos ensues. It takes recognizing priorities for a father (with or without the mother) to ensure a better life for the children.
Making tough choices may be on the horizon (i.e. Do I cut back on overtime to spend more time with my family?). And open discussions with your spouse/child’s mother or even a counselor may help to remedy this unsavory trend.
Hey Torrey,
And I’m sure the current economy has really negatively affected the time loved ones spend with their family. A lot of people are just trying to survive and will work almost around the clock so they don’t end up on the streets.
I still think there’s a way to find sometime, or at least what little time you have together more important.
-Andrew
You’re right in that, to fix the problem, we need to both educate and influence the young men out there as well as the young women. Picking the future mother/father of your child may be the most important decision a person makes, and you need to know that person WELL before doing so. I cry when I see all the clueless young people walking around with their babies born out of wedlock.
Education and positive influence is the biggest and best solution. There really can’t be any laws that force people to be better parents or to be there for their kids. It has been something that’s taught and people need to be lead by example.
-Andrew
Hi Andrew,
Thanks for helping to bring more attention to this major problem in our society.
Unfortunately, I have found that most men are like us, they have a difficult time giving to their children what they did not receive themselves. In other words, men can not give out of a “void” in their own life.
My story is similar to yours,
(see http://thedashguy.com/blog/about/).
Therefore; I am now sharing the things I have learned with other men to try and break the “cycle” of fatherlessness in our communities.
Keep up the good work!!
Randy Clark
The “DASH” Guy
randyclark@thedashguy.com
http://www.thedashguy.com
It is hypocritical or at least nonsensical for anyone to ‘preach’, suggest policy changes, or exhort others to “think differently” about fatherhood, unless one is ALSO demanding that our divorce courts cease handing out ANY “parenting-unfriendly visitation schedules” (or ‘parenting schedules’ as they are sometimes called). Those schedules, typified as “every other weekend overnights throughout the school year” are not only damaging to children, but they act as a social statement by our courts on the value of fatherhood (since it is presumed, and is largely true, that 90% of those impacted by these schedules are divorced fathers).
In effect, our courts’ presumptions on what constitutes a reasonable balance in the parenting schedules of two divorcing parents, is in effect a ‘default value’ for fatherhood in America.
Organizations like the Children’s Rights Council have worked hard over the last 30 years to reform these court presumptions (called ‘protocols’ in many states). But where are all those claiming to be concerned about fatherhood, coming out in support of those reforms?
Hi “SolomonSez”,
Thanks for bringing this side of the issue forward.
I also believe that the concept of visitations is broken. It just doesn’t seem to work out right for the two parents and children involved.
-Andrew
Hey Randy,
Sorry, your comment got tossed in the spam section.
Glad you liked this article and topic. And glad to see that you’re helping bring the topic to light as well.
-Andrew