Why our relationships flounder and what to do about it
This is a guest post.
If there is one thing that can frustrate men and women to no end, it is bad relationships. A bad relationship can ruin a perfectly good day, make us cranky, and ultimately lower our expectations for ourselves.
There is no way to escape relationships, unless becoming a hermit is appealing to you. Whether work, family or social, we surround ourselves with folks who are looking to expand their spheres of influence each and every day.
No matter how bad our relationships have been or continue to be, the key to getting better results lies in the understanding and acceptance of seven simple words:
We Teach Others How to Treat Us
Think about it for a moment. If you don’t like something someone is doing to us, we have a couple of options. We can alert them of the disliked action, which in most cases will send the message to alter that behavior. On the contrary, we can ignore the action, which may send the signal that this behavior is just fine with us.
The problem with the latter decision is that although many may feel this is an easier option, it eliminates the power that we all have within us. By relinquishing our ability to stand up for ourselves, we give nonverbal cues that we are weak, non-confrontational and ok with mistreatment. I hope that you are ready to ensure that your current and future relationships are maximized. If so, then there are ways we can implement that and channel our power so that our relationships with others remain healthy.
Set clear boundaries for others
People only cross the lines if they think it is ok to do so. If you appear to be a pushover at work, you are going to be the go-to person to dump work upon. So clearly and purposefully set parameters up front letting those know what you will and will not do. Some might take offense to this, but it is a wise and much easier strategy to do it upfront. But even if you have to alter your past acceptance of behaviors and send the message that certain lines crossed will no longer be accepted, it is a must-do for long-term happiness.
Be prepared to walk away
Interpersonal relationships many times reach a fork in the road. You can choose to either continue traveling left and wallow in undesirable behaviors or take a change on going right. Heading this direction may mean you’re leaving someone behind. I don’t think there’s any limit to what we deserve and if it takes that type of bold decision, so be it.
Love yourself first
Most of us are conditioned to first channel all of our love and energy to others, and then give ourselves the leftovers. This is a trait that can leave us with an empty feeling and vulnerable to accept less than stellar actions to fill ourselves with love. Just as personal finance expert David Bach teaches to pay yourself first and then spend on other things, we must mimic that action in regards to love. In doing so, we will learn to respect ourselves much more and become less bearable with actions and words that serve to withdraw that love from our personal bank.
One final note
Historically, it has been darn near taboo for men to learn to talk about things other than sex, women, money, cars, gadgets and sports. But I do sense a paradigm shift. More men are looking for ways to be better fathers, sons, friends and employees. If we are to exist, why not be the best we can be. As Jim Collins says in the bestselling book Good to Great, “Good is the enemy of great.” So it is my sincere hope that all genders of all races and background will use the strategies and tactics to enjoy great relationships.
Written by Torrey McGraw
Torrey is founder and editor of Men’s Playbook.com, which focuses on entertaining, educating and uplifting men in the game of life. You can connect with Torrey on Twitter.com
Article photo by katiedee47
10 Responses to “Why our relationships flounder and what to do about it”
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Thanks for the great article Torrey!
-Andrew
Thanks Andrew. I hope your readers will enjoy it!
Great insight. It’s always refreshing to get the much-coveted male perspective on relationships. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Execumama. Since relationships are at the core of our lives, it helps if we understand why some work and some do not!
Great article pointing out the “caring side” of men. It shows men do care about things other than the stereotypical – women,sex,sports and electronics!
Thanks Keela. We get so used to stereotyping all men into one static category. Hopefully, this will be helpful to eliminate those negative perceptions.
Like I always say, stand up for yourself as a person when people try to bring you down to their level. I left a lot of my high school friends in the dust because they took advantage of my kindness and I did nothing to stop them.
Now I have friends that respect me, and whenever I’m wrongly disrespected, I remind them of who they are talking to. Respect in relationships come first and foremost.
John,
I like you have had to sever ties with many friends over the years. This is because as you mature, you come to realize that it’s really a hinderance to have folks around that don’t enhance your life, goals and values. Seems you did the right thing.
It’s human nature to become very comfortable and forget where certain boundaries are. But I applaud you on not being timid and letting them know what you expect.
Torrey,
I like what you say about drawing the line and, perhaps, even sacrificing relationships that contain “undesirable behaviors.” My wife was fond of saying “better alone than in bad company.” She meant that in terms of dating (before meeting me, obviously) but it is true in every aspect of life. The problem is, human relations are so important to us and the ties that bind us to others are so strong that it can be difficult to avoid relationships that aren’t right for us and much harder still to end ones that are just plain disastrous. Keep up the good work.
I like this. I have a feeling that people all too often encourage fixing relationships regardless of what happens in them and then end up only piling up on the problems because sometimes the other person simply does not want to change – and in fact should not change.
Nobody should sacrifice their self, who they are, in order to be in a relationship, not even if its your parents or siblings, let alone friends and girlfriends. If you remain consistent with yourself and who you are, you’re gonna attract relationships which are stronger and more joyous than anything, with people whose “self” is more compatible with your “self”.
Btw, I recommend a book which talks about this stuff, called “Real Time Relationships: The Logic of Love” by a controversial free thinker Stefan Molyneux. Controversial he may be but this book nails more than a few things about relationships; you can get a PDF here: http://www.mississaugatherapy.com/FDR_Books/FDR_3_Real-Time_Relationships-The_Logic_of_Love.pdf
Regards